Letter to PHCN

September 15, 2008
The Area Manager,

Dear Sir,
I am writing to you with a deep sense of humility and gentleness. I consider this a great opportunity to communicate with an entity as awe-inspiring as yourself. Firstly, I bring greetings to you from residents of my area in Lagos .

As a dutiful citizen, I consider this letter as part of my civic responsibilities. Great countries comprise of citizens who are alive to their responsibilities. As a famous musician once said, "Ask not what your country can eat from you but what you can eat from your country."

I have benefited immensely from this country; therefore I have decided to give back.

I want to bring to your notice some strange occurrences which have been happening in my area. I want to sadly inform you that in the last 2 weeks, electricity has been stable. In other words, we sleep and wake up with electricity, we go to work and come back and electricity is still running. This is a terribly new and I must add DANGEROUS development in the lives of residents of my area. This is something we are not used to. This is too much electricity for us to handle. In the first week of constant electricity, I started acting strangely. I ironed all my clothes because I didn't know when "light" will be impounded on your orders. After 2 days, the "light" was still there. Therefore, I proceeded to re-iron the ironed clothes. My fridge which had not seen "4 hours" of constant light for months suddenly started freezing. In order to enjoy the maximum effects of refrigeration, I have decided to be drinking 20 cups of cold water before I go to sleep. Once I finish a cup, I put the bottle back into the fridge. After 10 minutes, the water cools and I drink. I just don't know what to do. All the Ceiling fans in my house have been switched on alongside my AC. My deck is playing at a high level. My life is now in state of chaos because of constant "light". My TV and VCD player are complaining of high blood pressure, as they have been terribly overworked in the last few weeks. Half of my light bulbs have gone on strike to protest their resurrection from blissful death.

All the customers in the beer parlour beside my house are complaining that the beer is too cold and wants to destroy their teeth. Even the rats and cockroaches are complaining that human assailants find it easier to track and exterminate them under electric light than under candlelight.

All the witches and wizards that regularly visited me in my sleep have suddenly taken flight in the presence of "light". Now I have to review my membership of MFM ( Mountain of Fire and Miracles) since their work has been done. Can you imagine what will happen to the membership of churches if constant 'light' persists? No more demons meaning No more offerings.

With the above situation not abating, I decided to seek the reason behind this strange situation. This task was made easy for me when I realised that it was the work of saboteurs. Sabotage is the main reason for anything going wrong / right in our country. Our elections were sabotaged, our president's health is being sabotaged, Obama's chances of becoming the American President are being sabotaged by Nigerians. Therefore this constant "light" is the handiwork of saboteurs within your work system. These disgruntled individuals are enemies of progress who want you miss your set targets. These enemies want you to score very low on your KPI assessment. I realised this fact when I stumbled on a document showing your Key Performance Indicators for every month. These are:

1. Explosive growth in the amount of Candle-lit dinners and balcony-bedrooms

2. Massive boom in the sales of Candles, torchlight, generators, inverters and lanterns

3. Increased work place productivity due to Employees spending at least 16 hours at work because there is no light at home

4. Massive growth of Rock music fan clubs being aided by the endless sound of generators that are switched on overnight.

5. Volume of human blood being sucked by mosquitoes unchallenged by ceiling/standing fans

6. Incidence of heat rashes

7. Large Increase in Naming ceremonies: When people have no light at home, what else do they do with their time other than *******?

Sir, I strongly feel that the above achievements will not be possible if we keep on having "light". The saboteurs in your workplace will make you look stupid and incapable in front of your bosses. The repercussions of this charade would be unbearable. This is why I am writing to you now. As a responsible citizen, if I do not volunteer this information, I know that I will be the one to suffer. The day you realise that I have been enjoying endless light for 2 weeks, you will pay me back with 2 black months. The end will be worse than the beginning, thereof. I am at a crossroad. This is a major dilemma. Should I keep quiet? No I won't. This is because Evil triumphs when Good Men keep silent. Your incompetent staffs have left the light switch on and gone to sleep. I know you will take back all that we have stolen from you but Please remember my house in the day of recompense.

Your humble servant


11 Browser(s):

Danny Bagucci said...

LOL... Simply hillarious.. Guess PHCN/NEPA's intransigence has become a fixture in our everyday lives -- we really would live and feel different if they chnaged...

Seun Oloketuyi said...

taiwo i think this is d best piece i have read in alonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggtime so nice.i think u dey waste u talent where dem dey say yes to pp dreams

Femi Fakolujo said...

Thats really great

Adeyinka Vincent Olanrewaju said...

am laughin out loud me sistar, wow .... i fink dis should be read by dar rite folks ( har mean the PHCN officials ) ...... but wait as a matter of factly u mean dis shit still goes on in 9ja ????? na waaaaaaaaaaaaaa ooooooooo !!!!

Jame Hanz said...

This is a very good one and it actually state the mentality of every nigerian living in nigeria, the contant blackout has really eating deep to the nigerian mentality that 6hrs constant electricity will seem abnormal to them. But change is the only constant thing in human life, so wake up to the real thing. this is 2wenty 1st century. welcome to the civilize world.

Abimbola Steven T said...

Wow! it is been long i lauf lik dis....i culd remember someone told me somtin like dis wen im in naija. thanks Taiwo bcuz u made me lauf like a mad man!!!

David Adeyemi said...

Taiwo, u r under arrest....u no dey fear Almight Power Holding?

hahhahhahha....Dats funny barbie gurl!

Akinrolabu Akinmade Abayomi said...

Dear Orimadegun Taiwo,
We write to confirm the receipt of your letter dated September 15, 2008.

Be assured that we take your complaint seriously and would have acknowledged it earlier had we light to power our computers.

We are indeed proud that even in the midst of controversies surrounding His Excellency's health, dutiful Nigerians like you have defied logic to alert us on our seemingly poor services.

As you have very rightly noted, this sorry spate of uninterrupted power supply is the quiet before Ike (ahem, sorry, the storm). We strongly suggest you keep your cloths ironed, take more blood tonic (the mosquitoes are certainly returning), and do your community another great service; alert them stock fuel as we going to... Yeepa! light don go again!

Adeola Olanrewaju said...

Love this extraordinary piece! LMAO..........What a great tranquilizer.A standing oviation for u jare.

Orimadegun Shakeerat Taiwo said...

Pls free me oh...
Or is wrong to say d truth?

Abimbola Steven T said...

Dnt mind Akinrolabu or simply PHCN secretary, i know he doesnt use light neither for his house nor for his office he has "i big pass my neibor gen" so i know he will surely defend them because he has a share on the $300,000,000 that Obasanjo and co drop for them. lol

if it is not my uncle is working with PHCN i would av say we shld declare war on them like niger delta boys

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