Advice.. I don't know what to call this? But What should I do?

Hey folks,

I need your advice on this. I met this guy on Facebook over a year ago but recently we've been chatting on the phone and communicating more. He will like to date me,but we are really waiting to meet first.Which is as soon as he can make it to Lagos to seem.So we can talk and see how it goes. And to my amazement I receive this mail today.Please advice,What should I do? Tell the guy? Reply the babe? What?

Hello Spicy,

How are you doing? i am forced to write you this mail-even against my own best judgment but then, who knows, this stitch in time might save nine............i am Dele Cokers's girlfriend/fiancee/wife....I am from kwara state too so i can say i am doing my sister a favor by writing this long epistle.i'll try not to bore you.


Dele and i met in school, university of ilorin exactly, nothing much went on during the school days, we were just casual acquaintances, he was very close friends with a good friend of mine back then,and gradually we saw more and more often as this mutual friend's-who's also from kwara state! eventually school came to an end and Dele and i began dating during my service year,that was 5 years ago.
Those fun days! i''ll sneak from asaba to come visit him in abuja, stay a while then sneak back to service.He finished a year before me, so he was already in abuja trying to get started in life. Things finally got rosy and he landed a good contract,money started flowing and future looked bright enough! I finished service,moved back home to ilorin and started job this time, we were already ''swimming in love'', he would leave abj and come spend weekeends in ilorin with me.My parents had began to take notice of him too and my joy knew no bounds....i was in love, he was doing well and my family approved. Eventually i told my parents i'll like to move out of ilorin so i cld get better opportunities with the job hunt, and with this excuse i relocated to abj to be closer to my love!


Abuja i came,money was really flowing then and he got me a place,while he stayed at his brothers'. I must say it took my coming to abj to see more clearly.........Dele was quite different here, he was always away on site most of the time, fine the man had to work to make the money and i had no issues with that,but the lifestyle that came with the money??? that was something esle!
He had numerous friends,most of who came for the money and of course influenced him wrongly...then the girls! i lost count of the number of girls he cheated on me with,every month it was a new girl and at times he'd go as low as prostitutes. i was shocked, the man i knew was gone and i could not even see in him again the islam he was profesing so much back then which was one of the reasons i dated him( i dated a xtian in skool and i was so eager to get a muslim boyfriend i could eventually marry).

We began to fight so much because i couldn't stand the lifestyle he was living all because he had money now.....i would talk and nag and nag just to make him see the uselessness of the life he was living, he will come to his senses for a week at most......the friends will come and lure him back to the life...and the girls! he eventually stopped bothering to listen to me and lived life just the way he wanted and deemed fit..who was i anyway??? i was still jobless and financially dependent on him so i could nag all i wanted, he had the money and life was good..........with enough sycophant friends and girls around to live the good life with him. i didn't stop trying to get him back to his senses and that was when the real trouble started.

The first time he hit me...we had our usual quarrel..cheating on me,spending money anyhow...he asked if it was my father that gave him the money i was so concerned abt,,and wat rite i had to question him since i wasn't his wife yet.....a quarrel started as usual but this time it was with a added slap,kicks,and terrible blows,it was so terrible and i could barely move after.........he beat me so bad i had to scream for help.......neighbors came to my rescue, i called my family, told them what happened, two days after i packed my stuff and left for ilorin with my bruises.

My journey home was sad and i cried a lot,i was so full of shame and my folks wasted no time in telling me-we told you so!- they thought twice about me leaving for abuja then but i wouldn't listen, i was blinded by love and that same love had sent me back home in shame with bruises and a swollen rib. i was taken to the hospital for treatment and i got better with time. a week later, Dele showed up in ilorin, with my cousin that he'd been friends with in unilorin.his mission? to beg and reconcile!
He begged and begged, saying he didn't know what possessed him he was sorry and he wanted me back,he promised my folks it will never happen again.My mind was made up, i cldn't think of going back to him,how could he claim to love me and beat me up so bad? i told him no.he insisted to my folks that he was serious about me,they advised him he should get his folks to come and we do a proper thing. my dad then pleaded with me on his behalf ,that i should forgive him as no one was above mistakes.

We went to ogbomosho to meet his folks,a date was set for the introduction,then we left back for abj..all made up!!!

Introduction came and went in 2006.........a wedding date was to be announced later.

Back at Abuja.....things were all lovey and dovey for a while and then we went back to normal.......cheating on me and the beatings continued growing worse each time......a slight quarrel and the blows will start.we had began living together now in readiness for the '' wedding date'' and there were times we'll not speak for days and days when he'll not come back home for weeks.....and of course, the money flow was starting to slow down now....and eventually cash became so tight.

2007 came and still no wedding date; i was starting to worry and people began to ask, what is the delay? and God bless me if i tried to raise the issue with him, anytime i talked about when will it be, a fight was certain to happen and another beating will result. I started to be afraid of him and i just kept on lying to folks that we were making plans!

Friends weddings came and gone,and still we had no wedding date, all excuses were given of course-he was waiting for money,his brother was going into politics and he'd not want political rivals to come disrupt the wedding!(ridiculous right?),i was trying to force him to marry, he wanted to wait a while for business to get i let it rest and continued to endure the fights,the beatings and the no wedding date.

Of course,i considered my options and alternatives,other men were coming but i couldn't leave him, i felt the introduction meant something,a commitment i was supposed to honor. so wait to honor the commitment i did.

He continued his occasional side kicks...cheating here and there and so many more excuses why he couldn't put a ring on it with me!

Eventually, we agreed for Dec 2007,to go home and put final touches, the parents were informed and when december came,after a minor quarrel Dele walked out and left the house for weeks..i had no idea where he'd gone or if he'll make it back in time for the planned trip.he never did.i went through physiological torture, was he safe?what will i tell people at home? he was not picking my calls either..i begged via sms but he never showed up.

I went home alone,informed them to halt wedding plans as the groom had dissappeared!

The shame was enormous, i wished the ground would open and swallow me, aso-ebi samples were already picked, families and friends already in the know and e ku ipalemo(Preparation) greetings was in order! i could not bear it, i stayed indoors throughout,hoping against hope that he would somehow come back from wherever he'd gone,at least to save me from the disgrace.

After like a month or so,it dawned on me, that he's not showing up,so amidst tears i left home to come back to abj,to come face reality of what had just happened to me.

I moved out of his place and rented a place of my own, to start life again as it was then clear, the man am waiting on had no plans and the trauma of been abandoned almost at the altar was too much, i decided to move on with my life as i hadn't seen or heard from him till then.

And then he came back,almost two months after...........the begging and crying was unlimited,how sorry he was, he didn't know what came over him, he couldn't explain it himself, he loved me and wanted to marry me! i called home and informed my parents on the resurfacing of the groom! they told me their minds.....his attitude was questionable and not very encouraging, i was advised to just make a fresh start in order to avoid another disappointment from him as they were no longer in support. i told him this so he could see he was already too late. he went to ilorin again to meet my folks and they told him the ball was in my court.

I tried moving on,tried seeing other men,we were living apart now but still it wasn't so easy for me,my heart was still with him even after all he'd done.And he knew how to lay it on, begging, crying and making promises upon promises. i still stood my ground,but like they is a disease......sure enough my disease came back and i began to give in.

Little by little,we became an item again and i foolishly open up the doors to my heart again,of course my parents disapproved and i fought them all cos of him, he had changed,he was serious about marrying me, they could go to hell if they won't support me....i said all that and i was his fiancee again!


We'd agreed to go it alone without the parents' support now ,we had decided to do a registry and inform the folks after. this we did-June 16 2009- so you can imagine my shock when i read his chat with you that he was not seeing anyone at the moment??? the sex ''with an old favor'' wasn't even as shocking.........i'd suspected he was straying again, we still stay apart as husband and wife(strictly his choice) still burning down under after the last time we were together, checked it out and doc confirmed it was an STD, he's the only one am 'doing' so i guessed the obvious! dinner dates with old favors,a sexy romp after that, stupid, trusting wifey opens up for him after that and .......the rest is history!

Anyways, registry done, we'd plan to inform the parents so we could arrange for a nikkai, i did this and my folks were all for it saying if i knew it was him that will make me happy...they were waiting for us to come the needful........And that's where we are again, the lover man has been postponing and procrastinating AGAIN ever since then! how some things never change.

5 years with a man and yet you never get to know him!

So why am i really writing all this? to a complete stranger? to be honest,i never thought i could but then i thought why not? a stitch in time could save nine......if i'd been warned by someone of the nature of this man...i would have looked elsewhere before getting in too deep...the only one that came, i shunned-the mutual friend from our school days? she was mad when she eventually got to know i was dating Dele cos according to her, they had a relationship while we were in school and i shouldn't have been 'eating her vomit'......of course i wasn't aware of this fact and when i had asked him before we started going out, he denied it vehemently saying he had nothing to do with her.much later into the relationship he said all he had with her was a 'minor fling'-guess who i believed? needless to say, the mutual friend is happily married now to another guy with a kid!

So he'll say to you now '' am not seeing anyone at the moment', '' am not married yet' and all his '' am always here for my baby''...............just to draw you in,seems lover man has a thing for us kwara babes!

So dear sister, this is not a mail borne out of far from that now......i would be jealous if i knew what a good time you are in for with him but i know better, my 5 years experience with him is enough to know am not going to be missing much when you finally grant him that ''sensual kiss'' he's been begging for.

If this mail rubs you the wrong way,please don't be mad with me,i just wanted you to know that this is the true man behind the charade, a man who is
willing to let you fall but won't be there to catch your fall.............pls be wise.

Am on facebook.......hook up if you wanna talk some more...takia of u.

many thanks.



Joys that fill my heart,
The smile that I show
When I'm with you,
I never want it to go.

Memories that we've had,
Reminiscenses of the past
Always in my mind,
Forever they will last.

Inside I see it in you,
Through your desert eyes I know,
When I want to show you
I'm afraid that you will go.

Scared to turn the key,
Unsure to unlock the door
Hoping it will open,
Loneliness can be no more.

But still I sit here wondering
Dreaming of what can be.
When can you feel my heart?
When can you see that am for real?
When? When? When?

Are You Really Date-able???

There comes a time when most women start to yearn for a dose of happy ever after.. But to me looking for love in the right places,with the right man and with the right attitude and determination is the best way to sustain a happy ever after.

There is only one question to ask yourself when you are looking for this last stop man. Are you date-able? Here are few points to look into.

1. Plan :- The man of your dream won't appear in your doorway. You've got to go out and find him. Don't assume finding him to be magically blend. But it is wise to think of what you want and how to make it work. For instance you should date the kind of man you'd like to marry. Don't waste your time on a man who is not interested in marriage soon.

2. Be open:- Make yourself date-able and available. Then be assertive on what you want. Be confident, be happy and being flirtatious wont hurt either but don't look too predatory. It might be a turn off. Though it might actually attract a man but he probably wont be serious with you.

3. Be approachable:- Let him notice you, make eye contact,you can even pass a comment about his dressing or what have you,men love praises. You've got to let him know you want to talk to him. People don't know how you feel unless you tell them.

4. Don't be to hasty:- Don't allow your determination to find the right person becloud your sense of judgment against his faults or what might not be it. Ask yourself inwardly things that only you can justify and accept. Do I really like him? Can I cope with him? Is he really going to make me happy?. Believe me,you need a guy that you are totally comfortable with.

5. Spark is essential but does not happen every time:-If a man ask you out and you don't like him at first. Give him a chance and think about it. Is not every time you feel a butterfly in your stomach at first sight. You may feel the spark later. However if you cant feel it afterward. Don't force it. It is not him.

6. Just where do we meet our match? The usual notion is online,malls,bars,parties. But our chances are pretty slim. Join dance classes,book club,game club, just anything that involves meeting people with similar interests.In time you will meet someone friendly. However if friendship develops into something more meaningful. That's awesome.

7. However if after you find him. What happen next? How do you turn it into a long lasting relationship that does not have an expiry date?How do you know when the relationship is ripe for marriage or simply put, how do you go about defining when is time,you both want to settle down?. These is where you both have to sit down and discuss. Whats the purpose of the relationship?

8. Don't appear too needy or blab too much about your ex,job,family or money matter though men love honesty and open minded women. But a confident women does it for them. Is not about how much sexy or attractive you look. Is about how you handle yourself when you are together. Every little details counts.

9. If after a year together and you guys are not talking about future,hopes and ambitions,then something is wrong. Do you see any sign of commitment at all? Though sometime,some men don't reveal this,you cant even be able to see him envisioning you as the ideal wife.. They just go with the flow,they might never talk about marriage or you probably feel is not his thing. But that could be wrong. Talk to him and tell him what you want. This is not about forcing him into admittance but sharing your feelings. This might just be the gear he needed. If he feel the same way,you would know. Or isn't that better than investing in a relationship that long without a purpose?

PS: Sorry I have neglected this blog for awhile.. Another passion of mine(Photography) has been running wide with me. How are you all doing? Really missed stalking a few blogs.