Advice- My Husband is having an affair.

I need someone to talk to right now and your thought came to mind. I'm a 38 years old woman,married with two kids,a boy and a girl,age sixteen and 10 respective. I've been married for 7 years. My problem now is that my husband is having an affair with a young lady of 30years old. And he is basking in it.

I really don't know how it happened but the spark is gone with my marriage and all effort to revive is not yielding any effort. My husband is 45years and run his own Petroleum Company Business. He used to be a very loving man when we are not yet married. We started out as friends,so we so very fond of each other.So when the time come for more commitment. We didn't bat an eye lid. We got married.

I have been one of those women that is hardworking,decent,beautiful,lively and romantic. I take good care of my husband. And I don't let my work get in between us. I don't keep too much friends. Ours was a very peaceful family.Before this problem started. I'm always there for my husband's needs both physically and emotionally. Ours was a very beautiful union. I respect my husband and adore him. 

The geneses of our problem started when I found out that he has a mistress outside of matrimonial home. He even rented an apartment for her. And spend most of his time with this lady. They've been dating for almost three years before I got wind of the affair. And I didn't suspect him for one day cos I so much trust him and never believe he will do something like that. And being such a very hardworking man and the nature of his business has never made me suspected anything until I he traveled out of the country and forget his mobile behind while trying to charge it for his departure.

Our was a no-pry affairs. I've never check out his phone. There was never a need for that because I respect his freedom,so I never preyed and like I always says one only see what one is looking for by preying.

On that faithful day. After he has left for the airport. A message came in which jolted my attention to the fact that he has forgotten his phone. Hitherto he has discourage me from accompanying him to the airport because I was just recuperating from malaria. And me not having any other thought. I shrugged it off that he is just being a good husband.

I had only wanted to get my car keys and run after him when the message preview hit me.
Ronke"Sugarpie I've been in the airport for the past 30min.What...."
All adrenalin rushed to my face and I couldn't help but finished Reading the message.
"What is happening,why re u taking so long. Leave the old hag and come to your Little pumpkin boo. We are due to board in next one hour.Lv ur baby"

I scrolled out for more text message from the same name. But my nerve could not read them. What more could I possibly be looking for? My world became shattered almost immediately and I was mad with fury. Still I made a move for the car keys and made for the door when he came in.
I told him I was just coming after him to give him the phone and He said thanks,hurriedly placed a peck on my cheeks and quickly dashed out again. That day I cried and wondered why he why he was seeing someone. We didn't get to talk about it and even after he knew that I have read that particular message and probably more. He switched and become distant.

I was even afraid to brush the topic up. Because I was just afraid of what will happened. He spend more time outside our matrimonial home and he sleep out more. Yet I didn't say anything. 

He doesn't care anymore. Everything has change. He doesn't eat at home regularly,he gives me excuse when I call out to me i the night to make love to me that he is tired,lets do it tomorrow etc. He became so cold. Even my daughter asked me the other day what is happening between you and Dad mum? And I just told her nothing. She said " But he is not always there,Mummy something is wrong? But I just told her that Daddy is probably going through a lot of stress at work. That things will be fine soon.

So one day I finally resolved to have a talk with him. So in the night when we retired to bed. I asked him about what is happening to us? He said about what? And suddenly he sprang out of the bed and started shouting at me. "Nothing is wrong.Nothing is wrong.And if you wont let me sleep peacefully. I will go to the guest room. And walked out of the room. That night I cried till day break. So many riot of questions on my mind. And I kept asking myself what I've done wrong. What is happening to me?
But a voice in me kept telling me that is about him but the man in him that is the problem.

The following morning. I greeted him with a hug from the back when I came in from the kitchen and saw him in the room picking some clothings in the wardrobe. But he just removed my hand from the embrace. That night he didn't come home. And didn't pick his call when I called him to know of his where about.

Some days later. Things got a lot better. I was trying to give him a hug when he came him from work one evening, when he just waved me off and went inside the room with the children behind me. I was so disappoint that I marched after him.

And I told him when I entered the room.
"At least be nice in front of the kid" It must have been guilt that touched him and he saw tears coming out of my face.
He looked at me intently as he strode towards. He held my hand kissed me softly on my mouth.
"Why are you doing this to me?, what is wrong?." I asked in between sobs.
"I'm sorry". He begged.
"What is it that am not doing right" ..." I mumbled and he kissed me again.
"No baby. There is nothing wrong; We’re just fine honey. I love you.”

That night we made love and things almost started changing for the better. He stayed at home more,play with the kids and even eat dinner and breakfast with us.

I was happy again though every time I wanted to ask him about the other woman. But I was that the peaceful atmosphere in our home has been restored. So I just pretend nothing happened.

Then one day, a friend of the family paid me a visit. And she told me he saw my husband at a naming ceremony the other day and I was like it must really be a naming ceremony of someone i don't know because he didn't mention it. But she cut me short.

"Seems you don't get me, your husband was the new born baby's father". She dropped the bomb shelled.

"You must be kidding me,my husband will never do that". I told her

"I'm sorry but that's really the truth Kofo, you can ask him,even tell him that I said so". She said confidently and my world collapse almost immediately because she is not someone who will just come out of no where to tell a lie about my husband. And she continue to tell me more about the lady in question.

"Her name is Ronke,she had the baby in the states. And they have been dating for awhile now,says three years".

"I know". I interjected

"You knew? And what did you do about it". She asked surprisingly but I offered no response

"And you let it generated to this?". 

To cut the long story short, my husband did not come home for a week and when he did. He has resumed back to switching off and on mode. And when I tried raising the topic,he shouted at me,that I shouldn't even go there. We have resumed living like a stranger again.

I'm loosing it. I can't keep on like this. I'm not happy at all. I don't even know what to think again. I have always been a good wife to him and a good mother to our kids. We've never had any argument prior to this. I'm afraid I don't know how to manage this.But I can't keep bear it anymore. What do I do. Someone should please advice..

PS: This seems to be my first major advice article on this blog. It was sent to me anonymously by one of my blog's lover.Please lets make it count for my anonymous troubled friend. Thanks

What makes Modern Marriage Ticks?

Marriage is an aged institution which make people run home after the day’s hard work into the open arms of their spouse. Or it’s a caring, loving and sharing relationship that helps people’s lives as individuals leading them to a stable starting point to explore their ambition, inspiration and personalities or an institution that has been tailored for human being. It’s something human beings have invented as some kind of emergency solution. Some people think differently though. Their are people who believe that marriage is a way of life and is a necessary as many other things people engage themselves to in life. .

And if on the other hand, one believes that marriage isn't exactly an ideal institution, but is merely the best solution we happen to have at the moment to loneliness, then we should realize that one should not really expect so much in marriage, their are more to marriages than giving up one's loneliness and status or even change in a name or what u see that every one in the community are doing at the moment.

Their are others who just feel that holy wedlock is a sort of cupboard in which two people can be locked up. Both are dangerous attitudes, because they may result in people expecting too much of that marriage - and doing a little about it themselves...

So if you hold this belief to marriage ..you should expect that the cupboard will start creaking at the joint as soon as its cemented if u did not get your priority right. The cupboard may last just a bit longer if both couples knows what they want and have a mutual way in analyzing issues that make them comfortable and otherwise.

And couples do need to make an efforts to some certain things in relationship towards marriages before they consummate the affair at all. So as to make the cupboard endurable, it is the job of both husband and wife, with both being able to compromise and adjust to whatever make them feel uneasy in their marriage.

Couples who established their own strategies are the ones, who work things out together, and who says “how many children they are going to have or how are we going raise them”? and “Are we going to have a joint account and who is going to be in charge of it?”, just to have a better chance of survival.

People avoid confronting issues that makes them uncomfortable, but successful couples are not afraid to say “Look, something is wrong here”. Women especially are far emotionally stronger this days in coming out to say “I really don’t feel I can continue like these; It doesn't’t satisfy me; Is not making me happy: have a better view of what’s happening in there marriage. But the question what makes the Modern marriage tick? Is extremely difficult, you can get the statistics of marriages that have survived but you can’t tell if they have been happy or not. But u cant get the statistics of broken marriage because many fell down the drain as soon as a problem trigger off. Couples these days opt out rather than facing the whatsoever bothering them together forgetting their vow “For better or worse, till death do us part”

Why Marriages Fail

Not all marriages fail for the same reason. Nor is there usually one reason for the breakdown of a particular marriage. Nevertheless, we hear some reasons more often than others.

They are:-

*Lack of couple’s marital obligation and satisfaction.*Sexual, emotional or physical abuse

*Not listening or not being attentive to spouse

*Adultery *Poor communication

*Nagging *Financial problems

*A lack of commitment to the marriage *Bigamy

*Being dishonest *Not respecting your spouse

*A dramatic change in priorities *Cruel treatment

*Unable to provide children *Infidelity

*Being selfish *Lack Of conflict solution skills

*Failed expectations *Lack of sexual intimacy

Today, its more difficult than ever to go into marriage with the assumption that it’s going to work out or otherwise. During our mother’s time, the rules were clearly established whether it was going to work out or not, either the couple are in love or not or are ready enough for marriage does not concern anyone. And that’s how it has been and which of course generates many stable marriages, which are rare to find now. Because when couples are willing to withstand any problem facing them. Some do this because of the children involved, especially Women, they stood still to take care of their children, when they know if they opted out, then another woman will take their place and whether or not, they still want to be the mother of their own children.

My mum always told me anytime I raised these topic about marriage that is because of the advancement of feminism that we continue to have this problem..According to her" In our days,once you are married, you cant dare go back home. And once there are kids involved, your mind is made up. You guys must have seen and feel what I have endured and still enduring now that you are all grown up (I'm from a polygamous family). But no matter how bad it is, once I remembered that I have got you guys to look out for, I forgot all that hurts as soon as it happened.We have limited options unlike now, where you can opt out and start living alone.In-dependency and Education is another factor and women are more bold to decide on their own but truly marriage involves lots of perseverance"

Although marriage must have its ups and downs and couples had to work hard to make their marriage a success. It is just like anyone else brave enough to embark on a journey and despite all these people, they still have reason for staying put in the marriage whether happy or not And marriage had continued to be a private relationship for people.

Though marriage has nothing to do with expediency and everything to do with love. And love has nothing to do with gain but everything to do with the loss of yourself in another’s person’s world because a happy marriage is not something you get offhandedly on a platter of gold. Its the result of give and take, for better or worse, compromise and a great things that the mind doesn't have going for it, it just happens. Because when a man or woman look for a wife or husband, it ought to be because he or she need someone who could enrich his or her life, bring him or her passion, joy and share his or her interest, dreams and ever after with.

So whatever reason that is making you stay put in your marriage. Stay on and stay blessed.