Advice- My Husband is having an affair.

I need someone to talk to right now and your thought came to mind. I'm a 38 years old woman,married with two kids,a boy and a girl,age sixteen and 10 respective. I've been married for 7 years. My problem now is that my husband is having an affair with a young lady of 30years old. And he is basking in it.


I really don't know how it happened but the spark is gone with my marriage and all effort to revive is not yielding any effort. My husband is 45years and run his own Petroleum Company Business. He used to be a very loving man when we are not yet married. We started out as friends,so we so very fond of each other.So when the time come for more commitment. We didn't bat an eye lid. We got married.

I have been one of those women that is hardworking,decent,beautiful,lively and romantic. I take good care of my husband. And I don't let my work get in between us. I don't keep too much friends. Ours was a very peaceful family.Before this problem started. I'm always there for my husband's needs both physically and emotionally. Ours was a very beautiful union. I respect my husband and adore him. 

The geneses of our problem started when I found out that he has a mistress outside of matrimonial home. He even rented an apartment for her. And spend most of his time with this lady. They've been dating for almost three years before I got wind of the affair. And I didn't suspect him for one day cos I so much trust him and never believe he will do something like that. And being such a very hardworking man and the nature of his business has never made me suspected anything until I he traveled out of the country and forget his mobile behind while trying to charge it for his departure.

Our was a no-pry affairs. I've never check out his phone. There was never a need for that because I respect his freedom,so I never preyed and like I always says one only see what one is looking for by preying.

On that faithful day. After he has left for the airport. A message came in which jolted my attention to the fact that he has forgotten his phone. Hitherto he has discourage me from accompanying him to the airport because I was just recuperating from malaria. And me not having any other thought. I shrugged it off that he is just being a good husband.

I had only wanted to get my car keys and run after him when the message preview hit me.
Ronke"Sugarpie I've been in the airport for the past 30min.What...."
All adrenalin rushed to my face and I couldn't help but finished Reading the message.
"What is happening,why re u taking so long. Leave the old hag and come to your Little pumpkin boo. We are due to board in next one hour.Lv ur baby"

I scrolled out for more text message from the same name. But my nerve could not read them. What more could I possibly be looking for? My world became shattered almost immediately and I was mad with fury. Still I made a move for the car keys and made for the door when he came in.
I told him I was just coming after him to give him the phone and He said thanks,hurriedly placed a peck on my cheeks and quickly dashed out again. That day I cried and wondered why he why he was seeing someone. We didn't get to talk about it and even after he knew that I have read that particular message and probably more. He switched and become distant.

I was even afraid to brush the topic up. Because I was just afraid of what will happened. He spend more time outside our matrimonial home and he sleep out more. Yet I didn't say anything. 

He doesn't care anymore. Everything has change. He doesn't eat at home regularly,he gives me excuse when I call out to me i the night to make love to me that he is tired,lets do it tomorrow etc. He became so cold. Even my daughter asked me the other day what is happening between you and Dad mum? And I just told her nothing. She said " But he is not always there,Mummy something is wrong? But I just told her that Daddy is probably going through a lot of stress at work. That things will be fine soon.

So one day I finally resolved to have a talk with him. So in the night when we retired to bed. I asked him about what is happening to us? He said about what? And suddenly he sprang out of the bed and started shouting at me. "Nothing is wrong.Nothing is wrong.And if you wont let me sleep peacefully. I will go to the guest room. And walked out of the room. That night I cried till day break. So many riot of questions on my mind. And I kept asking myself what I've done wrong. What is happening to me?
But a voice in me kept telling me that is about him but the man in him that is the problem.

The following morning. I greeted him with a hug from the back when I came in from the kitchen and saw him in the room picking some clothings in the wardrobe. But he just removed my hand from the embrace. That night he didn't come home. And didn't pick his call when I called him to know of his where about.

Some days later. Things got a lot better. I was trying to give him a hug when he came him from work one evening, when he just waved me off and went inside the room with the children behind me. I was so disappoint that I marched after him.

And I told him when I entered the room.
"At least be nice in front of the kid" It must have been guilt that touched him and he saw tears coming out of my face.
He looked at me intently as he strode towards. He held my hand kissed me softly on my mouth.
"Why are you doing this to me?, what is wrong?." I asked in between sobs.
"I'm sorry". He begged.
"What is it that am not doing right" ..." I mumbled and he kissed me again.
"No baby. There is nothing wrong; We’re just fine honey. I love you.”

That night we made love and things almost started changing for the better. He stayed at home more,play with the kids and even eat dinner and breakfast with us.

I was happy again though every time I wanted to ask him about the other woman. But I was that the peaceful atmosphere in our home has been restored. So I just pretend nothing happened.

Then one day, a friend of the family paid me a visit. And she told me he saw my husband at a naming ceremony the other day and I was like it must really be a naming ceremony of someone i don't know because he didn't mention it. But she cut me short.

"Seems you don't get me, your husband was the new born baby's father". She dropped the bomb shelled.

"You must be kidding me,my husband will never do that". I told her

"I'm sorry but that's really the truth Kofo, you can ask him,even tell him that I said so". She said confidently and my world collapse almost immediately because she is not someone who will just come out of no where to tell a lie about my husband. And she continue to tell me more about the lady in question.

"Her name is Ronke,she had the baby in the states. And they have been dating for awhile now,says three years".

"I know". I interjected

"You knew? And what did you do about it". She asked surprisingly but I offered no response

"And you let it generated to this?". 

To cut the long story short, my husband did not come home for a week and when he did. He has resumed back to switching off and on mode. And when I tried raising the topic,he shouted at me,that I shouldn't even go there. We have resumed living like a stranger again.

I'm loosing it. I can't keep on like this. I'm not happy at all. I don't even know what to think again. I have always been a good wife to him and a good mother to our kids. We've never had any argument prior to this. I'm afraid I don't know how to manage this.But I can't keep bear it anymore. What do I do. Someone should please advice..

PS: This seems to be my first major advice article on this blog. It was sent to me anonymously by one of my blog's lover.Please lets make it count for my anonymous troubled friend. Thanks


29 Browser(s):

Sting said...

WOW..... this is so sad and the guy is so bold. Being quiet and docile is not the answer here. He's not even trying to work on the marriage. I'm a great advocate for divorce if it's not working. So i guess i'm not the best person to give advice cos this is absolute rubbish!

Why would u ignore that ur husband is having an affair? Is it supposed to go away if u pretend it doesn't exist.

Temite said...

Oh HELL no.
I am not married...but a Child. A child by another woman is when Temite packs her bag and bounces! Please you need to LEAVE. Dont bring it up EVER again. Just walk AWAY. This man is never going to STOP. WALK AWAY.
Yes I said it. Please and Please, choose yourself and your happiness and that of your children as well.

JustDB said...

No way.. Guess she deserves a right to confront the dude...and aparrently dude doesn't feel any remorse whatsoever.. Looks like a clsssic case for walking on IMO...

Danny Bagucci..

Dabizniz said...

Sad sad story....Seems like a good script for a nollywood movie, though I am not sure how I can make this story pan out in a good way for the lady involved.

I am all for women empowerment so men would not treat their wives like trash

doug said...

That is a good enough case for a confrontation if you ask me. And this dude doesn't seem like he cares much. This woman is better of finding her way out of the relationship.

naijagirl said...

this is deep and I am skeptical about giving my 2cents 'cos it may not just do it justice. I hope the lady is into God and prayer cos thats all I can give...get down on your knees and pray like you have never and when you are done praying, get down on your knees and pray some more
I dont think the guy actually knows what he is doing....does he want to break up his marriage? No, i dont think so, and my claim is based on the paragraph where she asked him to keep up face in front of the kids and he got a change of mind....he's being controlled and he doesnt know it

Oyin said...

wow...I wont be much help...cos in this case Im the Ronke lady. I know how much it is to break a family...but we dont want your husband...its all that he does for us. I enjoy the touching and the time well spent together, the trips ...and the things that single men dont do. Married men take more pride in the relationship with their mistress.

But I wish the best with this ladys marriage, but I wouldnt allow it to happen for long, give him an ultimatium....or else!

Nice Anon said...

Naijagirl no offense oh but what is she going to do while "praying" biko she should confront him! And go from there which one is get on your knees and pray? Pray so that the other woman and her kid will disappear? Inukwa

Dabizniz said...

lol@ inukwa

BBG said...

LMAOROF!! @ NiceAnon

this is just too sad! when I read things like this I just get even more scared about getting married.I mean, she didnt even see this coming her way! I would advise prayer and, eventough I'm not one for involving 3rd parties in any marriage, I really think she needs some support from someone she looks up to. It's hard enough going through this on your own, with one's husband behaving like...for lack of a better word, I dont even know what to say again sef...I really feel sorry for her.

But I dont think I'd advise her to leave sha...I dont know..but i know there's hope cos I was told of a well known pastor in the States who had an affair with a lady in his church for 15 years!! ofcourse, his wife was a member of the church too, and as they call it over there, she was the "first lady". The pastor confessed to the wife in the 10th year of his affair..he repented BUT still went back to the lady (old habits die hard!). HOWEVER, after 5 more years, he finally went back to his wife on his knees. It took ages for this issue to end, cos 15 years is a while for anybody to go through such trauma, but I was told that the wife never stopped praying. How did the person know? The pastor confessed to the whole church and the wife testified to it. There's hope and there's strength in praying. God still moves in the affairs of men, even today.

wordmerchant said...

Mehn this one one left me speehless

I think she knows what to do..deep down. She needs to confront him squarely, its easier said and done, she has a lot to lose but really does she want her children to think their fathers attitude is acceptable.

If it was her doing what he is doing right now he will most like have left her.

The man has shown no concern for his children or wife...she deserves better

Yes she should pray but for strenght and courage to do the right thing by her and her children

The man is truly shameless.

Afrobabe said...

My dear this is one of those relationships that being docile does not do anything,...it's time for confrontation, time to stand up for urself...divorce is no longer that great tabboo in naija..leave him if you have too...he seems very uncaring of what you think and that is worse than spitting in ur face...

dont stay there and grow old for nothing, its not worth it....

Anonymous said...

Oh my God not again!!!!!Why do men just think the world revolves around.What man leaves his wife and two children boy and gal for another woman what is the other woman bringing to the table phew..........

Okay enough of pulling my hair out but hey galfriend please and please you need to confront your hubby and where he does not seem interested in the marriage because that is what his action shows.
Help me here keeping a mistress is bad enough but having a kid with the mistress is the icing on the cake.

My take get both families involved for record purposes though but I advise a separation for a while so you can deal with the hurt.Then would help you decide if you want to head for divorce or give the marriage a go once again.

Pray for strength and wisdom because every woman deserves to be happy including you.
God will comfort and heal love !!

Geebee said...

This is such a sad story . . . and it’s pretty usual in our society today. The change just happens overnight – a loving husband starts cheating, a beautful and caring wife suddenly becomes something else etc. I feel so sorry for the writer and I wish she had been a lot more alert. Now that it’s happened, she should get closer to God and her children and keep believing God is able to change situations. . . as for the new baby, I . . . well, some things sure happen for a reason. She should take heart and pray the new woman would never take her place in her home.

Buttercup said...

wow..i can never be convinced that he loves her and still wants to stay in the marriage..aside from the infidelity and him knocking the female dog up, his attitude is not it at all!

im sorry but leaving him seems like the best option..i think inifdelity is enough grounds to leave..i feel bad for the children but she shud go and find someone hwo is worth her..

dang, im so angry! wtf???

Buttercup said...

p.s. spicy tee, thanks for ur comment regarding my cousin..mwah!

Buttercup said...

*who

African Weight Loss Diva said...

Wow. This post is so shocking. I dunno what to advice her, cos if i was in her shoes i would be devastated. Kai, let her just pray to God to direct her on what too do cos he is the one that could intervene in this oh. She should pray and if things get worse, probably pack her load, but she still seems to love the guy very much. Infact i dunno. I am really very sad.

African Weight Loss Diva said...

i had to come back again. i would mail this link to all those that are disturbing me to get married. This kind of things scare me about marriage. Men could change anytime. I hate the concept of divorce. I cant imagine what i would do if i was in her shoes. I hate cheating like a plague. I used to tell my ex that i prefer a wife beater to a cheat. God help her o.

StandTall-The Activist said...

Africa Weight Loss Diva: I doubt if any should be tolerated neither wife beater or a cheat.

I am sorry that this woman is facing this issue. I am not the type to say pray and endure till he changes. I am in the school of thought of moving on. She is hardworking and all. I will suggest ou face your children and do other things that can make you happy.

I will suggest you consider leaving this man, remember AIDS is real and now that he is sharing your bed with another woman, you just dont know what's next.

Good luck

Spicytee said...

Thank u guys for all the wonderful advice(s)..I'm sure she is following us too...i really appreciate ou time..Cheers

Tee said...

Nice site. Am new here. i think she should leave him. he already has another child. Thats bad enough

s.chic said...

i'm sorry but i don't believe she should leave him just yet...from what i'm reading, i'm getting a vibe that she has not once even really confronted the matter and fought for her man and therefore plays a role in the whole issue getting this far...

I'm sorry lady, but you need to get a little bit more agressive...yes, if for nothing else, for the sake of your children...

Now if all attempts fail, then feel free to leave him and i can gaurantee that you'll be rest assured that u did everything and the ass of a man is not worth it afterall!

Don't forget to pray about the situation as well...maybe God will touch his heart...it's unfortunate that his had a child outside now but such is the life we live in...

Fight for your matrimonial home! fight for what is your's, fight for the years you've been with the ass of a man and probably supported him through time...

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Hon,

Run don't walk to the divorce court, and take your home and his assets with you for the sake of your children. Gettng alimony and child support payments much harder than cash divorce settlement.

If he loved you enough before to now profess his lov for you, he would have never played house with Ronnke.

Anonymous said...

I just read your terrible story and I think I understand. you didn't want to hear the answer to your questions.

You are still trying to please him and not cause waves but you have to think about what you deserve and take a bit of control back.

At the moment he is deciding if you are happy, if you get some hope (or not). Take control and you decide if you want him or not.

Be strong for your own sanity and respect.

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Anonymous said...

i have been in a 3 year relationship with my partner i have 3 children to a previous relationship,a 8mnth old to him and am 7mnths pregnant with our 2nd child,we had the best relationship ever, communication and all.he dont drink or smoke just works so every tuesday night was his night out with the boys pllaying in pool comps. just 2mnths ago he cheated i found out through a txt on his fone.i was so hurt and felt used but he said he loved me and would never do it again.... that it was his 1st mistake to give him another chance to prove his love....a month later i find a number on his fone saved to a guys name buh the rung the number and bingo, another woman he had been txtin during the day and had deleted all txts and told her not to txt after a certain time because i was jelous...what do i do give him yet another chance and hurt like hell while doing it, i was online and i meet a man testimony helping people here and there, building love that last forever for husband and wife, so i email the man Dr Omonigho and i explain every thing that happen to him, Dr Omonigho told me not to worry that he is going to help my cast a love spell and our relationship will be refresh with love that will last forever, after the love spell my husband came home and said he will never cheat on my again that he will love and cherish only me, if you need his helping hand email: omonigholovetemple@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Get a good lawyer and get professional counseling.
It is not your fault.
But aim for things to get better.

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